Thoughts on rejection and failure as a path to redemption

Thoughts on rejection and failure as a path to redemption

As many of you know I recently applied for a spot in the Flinn-Brown Leadership Academy. A program designed to educate and mentor future state level leaders. I wanted to share my story in the hope that something I might say could positively impact one of you.

It started off in the most positive of ways; a recommendation leading to an invitation. Encouragement was given. Perhaps this is it? The portal to success!  The ego’s need started to churn. Those thoughts popping up in the dark corners of my mind: If I get this those people who have wronged me will eat their words…NOT good.

These thoughts contradicted with the “good” Danielle: ”If I get into this program it will lead to the potential for me to serve on the State Board of Education and I can really champion for education funding reform…I will be a ROCK star!” Oops… there goes my ego again.

The essays were written, the letters of recommendation received, my resume (underscoring my awesome accomplishments) polished.  I submitted everything and waited. During this time I would pray, “please God just let me get an interview & I will be happy.” Bad prayer.

Then, I received the notification that I got an interview. I was so excited! I always nail interviews. It was just a matter of time.

I purchased a suit, reviewed my application, got pep talks, felt like I was going to throw up and I was ready for the interview. The day arrived and nervousness gave way to calm optimistic confidence. As predicted I nailed the interview. The 9 panelists sat at the intimidating boardroom table and queried me on topics from my experience in education to my launching an ultimately defunct cupcake shop. I was humorous. I was engaging and AWESOME! At one point one of the interviewers turned to his neighbor and said, “she is delightful.” I KNEW I had it in my back pocket.

The waiting game started again. It was torture. I rehashed the entire interview no less than 100 times. Then, I remembered a question. It was phrased as follows: “I have to say, that you are really impressing me. (of course, duh) But I am wondering how are you able to do all that you do with 4 children at home?” I answered the question well. But now on the 80^th rehash, I stopped. Dead. In. My. Tracks. It hit me on a deeply knowing level that I did not get a spot in the program. My initial reaction was, “How sexist! He would have NEVER asked a man that question.” Goddamn him! Goddamn our crappy culture!

My deeper knowing was right. I opened the rejection letter after holding the envelope in my hand and saying a quick prayer of, “thy will be done.”

What is interesting is my disappointment was not as great as I anticipated. In fact within my disappointment there was a slight twinge of relief. I took a step back and replayed the series of events in my head. Throughout this process, that interview question kept resurfacing. Why did he ask that? What was the purpose? They gave me every indication that I had secured a spot? What went wrong?

Then the next morning arrived and into bed came Lizzie and David each under one of my arms. Their breath meeting mine in a pre-dawn love feast that included a battle of “who loves whom more.” The question wasn’t really, “How do you do all the things you do?” But  “Why on earth would you want to do one more thing to take your time away from your children?”

During the last couple of weeks I have been mediating on a prayer that Gil gave me. It includes the line “Christ in the ear of all who hear me.” I am convinced that that interviewer was presenting as Christ to me and guiding me to my true ego-stripped self.  My duty as a mother does and should take precedence over any ego need, no matter what kind of altruistic spin I can put on it.  In the aftermath I feel a sense of peace knowing that “thy will be done” was done…or maybe I sucked and the interviewer was a sexist pig.