Boys

Boys

Our children are very interested in the sexes of our pets. Because we are an evenly gender dispersed family (one mother, one father, two boys and two girls), my children tend to fixate on whether our pets are males or females. Each gender always wanting their side weighted more heavily. Alas, the hens always throw things off for the boys. That is to say that the females always come out ahead.

I truly hope this is not always the case.  The rhetoric is thick regarding women’s rights. As well it should be, given the fact that females in many ways have suffered from oppression over many millennia in most cultures. I am of course a proponent of ensuring my daughters have all of the opportunities offered to my sons. With that, I hope my sons have all of the opportunities offered to my daughters.

I was talking with a young, male friend of mine recently. He is a progressive type and stated that he felt that men should learn to buck up and, if for a time, allow the pendulum to swing in favor of women. So be it, he insisted, given the years of inequality females have endured. This comment came after I stated concern that my boys might end up being the casualties of a culture that at best portrays men as either gun wielding heroes or imbecilic fatherly figures.

This unfortunate cultural depiction of males does nothing for either gender, and causes my innate motherly concern for my children’s development to turn, at times, into out-right anxiety. I know that many mothers of sons feel this equally. From the time males are born, society floods parents with messages about what boys should and shouldn’t be. And to make matters worse the divisive theoretical camps are always ready to weigh-in. The doggedly engrained messages of making your son, “tough” or “not a sissy” are still alive and well, as are the relatively contemporary ideas of emasculation masked as being “gender neutral.”

After the birth of our first son, both of these ideological camps and everyone in between had their input to give regarding the raising of boys. I would hear all sorts of advice from holding him back a year in school so that, “he would be bigger for sports” to “don’t let him play with toy guns” (even though he ended up turning his sister’s Barbie into a pistol), to “make him tough so he won’t get bullied,” (because of course that works). I was laden with ominous warnings of creating either a wimp or a murderous rapist.

To add to this deluge of unsolicited counsel, I would come up against those who held staunchly to the idea of “boys will be boys,” which of course included allowing male offspring to behave like little animals. Aggressiveness, lack of manners, and general poor behavior was all attributed to being, “just a boy.” So, between this and the “gender neutral” camp, which wants to resist seeing in-born gender differences, I was in a perfect storm of parenting confusion.

At some point I knew to trust my instincts. I began to ignore, albeit indignantly, the advice of others and looked instead at my son. What does he, as an individual need? What are his strengths? Where are his areas to grow? What kind of man would I love for him to be? The answers were right there within him. Now that I am the mother of two boys this insight holds equally true for both. They are individuals and need to be treated as such. Not to be seen as “just boys” but rather as unique souls developing into what they are meant to be.

As a family we are blessed to be around men who are caring, strong and wonderful. They are fathers, husbands, brothers, sales reps, bankers, attorneys, engineers, psychologists, athletes, teachers, philosophers, priests, musicians, artists and entrepreneurs. They represent to me what is possible for my sons and I hope society gives them the opportunity to do whatever their souls’ desire.