Vacations Are Not Pilgrimages

Rob and I went for an early morning swim today sans children. The waves were calm and the temperature of both the air and water was perfectly non-existent. The briny water buoyed us as we watched the sun rise from behind the far off mountains. I commented that I didn't want to go home. Rob responded with, "I'm ready to go home. I know this can't last forever and that's okay." 

Indeed, vacations are meant to end. At best they are wonderful diversions from one's "normal" life. And if a vacation were indeed your life you would need to take a vacation from it! A never ending circle I suppose. 

Although vacations have a terminus point, as they should, pilgrimages don't. While hiking through Ireland earlier this summer it became apparent to me pretty early on that a pilgrimage is really just a microcosm of ordinary life. The walking itself can be difficult, monotonous and frankly at times boring. There are no museums, tours, snorkeling or any other kind of distraction out in the mountains. Just me and all my demons waiting to show up and reflect themselves off the other pilgrims. Of course all their demons showed up too. 

Yet, just as I felt done with the whole experience I would round a corner and be encountered with a breathtaking view or another traveler would say something profound or amazing or maybe something as simple as a sheep would be in my path reminding me that goodness in life is often simple. So, even though life can be difficult, painful and complicated by others and myself it is only a matter of time before something wholly wonderful will occur. 

As we make our final trip home today, I too am happy to be going home. Our vacation is over but our pilgrimage is not. 

Children and The Heart of My Pilgrimage

I always have a hard time traveling without my children. Of course the logistics of being child free tends to be smoother and the expense is less but when I am without them an empty, almost lost feeling fills me. I've always known this but this summer my need to have my kids with me has been highlighted. 

My pilgrimage to Ireland was the first time was away from my children for an extended period of time for recreational purposes. I felt a void throughout. At every turn during the 100 mile hike, I would see something I wished my kids could experience with me. "Oh, Allison would love that!" Or,"David would think that was funny!" Alas, I had to enjoy these sights solo. 

Our family pilgrimage to Mexico has been much different. I've relished watching our children take in the sights, sounds and smells. The immersion into another culture has been a great experience for all of us. I've especially enjoyed watching the kids start using Spanish and making playground friends with the locals. My heart is full. 

Some might think my attachment to my children is a sort of co-dependency but I would disagree. I wonder if the way I feel about my kids is just a slight peek into the heart of the divine. Perhaps God wants to watch all of  creation experience life they way I ache for my children to share my experiences. 

After Pains: Some Initial Thoughts on Pilgrimage

After Pains: Some Initial Thoughts on Pilgrimage

Our second child was born with the help of an induced labor. I won’t go into the specifics of why I made the choice to use a Pitocin drip to get my labor started but at the time it seemed the most sensible thing to do. I arrived at the hospital on the scheduled day and went through the steps to get my contractions going. Although I was told induced labors were more painful than naturally occurring ones, I still chose to opt out of any pain relief offered. I made the decision to place myself in a situation I knew would be painful and a lot of work with the hope that I would come out the other side with a healthy baby and a sense of accomplishment.

As predicted based on my previous birth, the labor was fast and hard and when our son emerged and was placed on my belly, my only words were, “I wanna do that again!” I was euphoric and the sight of his strawberry red head only made my heart swell more. Then, the after pains started; a hurt I had never experienced before. I could barely breathe through the rhythmic clenching of my uterus. I was unable to sit up or talk. My whispered voice begged for something, anything to take away the ungodly pain. Relief came in the form a pill. I finally settled in with my baby.

In these days after returning from Ireland, I wonder when my relief from the after pains of immersing myself on a pilgrimage will come. I am drained physically and I feel my soul has been put through a grater. Rawness, exhaustion and euphoria mixed. What a strange combination!

Twelve years ago I chose to be placed in a painful yet transformative situation. Pilgrimage seems to be that too. Sorting out the transformation will take time but I think the pain is part of it just as it is when any new life emerges. No pill can take away these after pains but I pray I will soon find myself uttering, “I wanna do that again.”