People Pleasing

People Pleasing

Last week I had an interaction with someone I know marginally. The conversation started innocently enough as she asked me a pretty straightforward question. Then something changed, her already frenetic energy amped up and she began to talk in spiraling accusations aimed at those not present mixed with what seemed to be gossipy judgment. As I watched her talk I realized I wasn’t going down this path with her. I knew she wanted a partner in her toxic verbal dance party but my dance card was full. After a few minutes of unsuccessful hooks being thrown my way, she stopped, took a breath and said, “I guess I just need to ask you a question…”

A large part of my adolescent and young adult life was consumed by trying to figure out how to get people to like me. I have spent exhaustive hours trying to present myself in an agreeable manner to any group I might be interacting with. Of course, no two groups are the same so this people pleasing behavior caused endless personality shape shifting or at the very least taking others cues to interact in a less than healthy way.

I believe my behavior can be traced to a mix of my general personality type and growing up in an unpredictable home environment. My shape shifting abilities were a survival mechanism. Need me to be happy go lucky? Sure! Oh, we are sad and angry at the world. I can do that too! Now depressed? Ok. Wait, professional and unemotional? You got it. None of these feelings were actually my own, only projections of what my home life demanded.

I took these dysfunctional, yet useful, tools with me as I entered high school. I would watch the other kids and take cues and do what was necessary to be liked. As I entered adulthood these tools were translated into lack of boundaries or rather, allowing people’s projections to alter my interactions with them. There have been points when people have said out right rotten things to me and I took it just to keep things copacetic. I could keep up facades for a period of time, not share what I really felt or thought just to keep the peace and to try to insure people liked me. Ultimately, it never worked for very long. All of that repressing of my own truth would explode out in tantrums, slander, and unbridled fits of rage or any mix of these.

Only recently have I really realized that all that people pleasing was for naught. When I took a step back it struck me that I actually didn’t like those people who I wanted so desperately to like me! Not that they are bad people but they aren’t people who really matter in my life. This is not to say I am going to follow the credo of, “To hell with it I am going to act, say and do whatever I want!”  Rather, I am going to continue to practice living into my own truth and filling my dance card with those who bring love, light and depth to my soul. The rest can just ask me questions.

Transactions

Transactions

We are currently in the process of refinancing our mortgage and found out that the previous title company didn’t do their job. Our belief of course was that an agreement was made and expectations were set and those expectations were supposed to be carried out in exchange for payment, a transaction. That didn’t happen. The transaction failed.

Our society is based on transactions. Whether involving money or not, we live in a constant state of give and take, expected input and output, and predictable responses to any given situation. All human relationships are like this it seems, even when it appears that nothing is being gained or given in an interaction, when one looks deeper there is always some sort of transaction.

I’ve thought a lot about transactions this week and I think one of the big problems with religion has been people placing the human practice of transactions onto the Divine. The whole simplistic notion that God expects certain “goodness” for admission to heaven and any deviation could land you in hell has probably driven more people from church than anyone could count. My guess is that people on some intuitive level know the Divine does not work like this. And if God is indeed a scorekeeper than quite frankly to hell with it! I wonder if organized religions’ insistence on transactional relationships with God has contributed to the “spiritual not religious” movement. Spirituality leans toward transcendent versus transactional and the appeal is clear.

However, it has been my understanding that the Divine does rely on transactions but not the kind that insists you circumcise all the males in your family. Rather, my experience has been an exchange of love and grace, or at least I would like to think of it as an exchange. My hope is that God benefits from my love and grace too. Perhaps God could care less what I or any other human does yet is somehow always ready to love with abandon.

Of course I am not sure of anything. I just hope God isn’t a crappy title company.