Grief of a Mother
I spend a lot of time mothering. I realize most mothers do.
We dedicate ourselves and give not only our time and money to our children but
also a large part of our souls are enveloped into their beings. When they hurt,
we hurt. When they succeed, the pride can almost feel like it hurts. As mothers
the emotional energy expended on our children can feel overwhelming yet so
inexplicably satisfying. The paradox is strange and everyone knows it. A
mother’s love is rightfully glorified and celebrated.
This year will mark the 6th year I will celebrate
Mother’s Day without my own mother. A necessary boundary has caused the
estrangement and my mother’s unresolved issues have perpetuated the
falling-out. As it currently stands, I have lost my mother. She is not dead.
Our relationship is not dead. Yet by the looks of it there needed to be a
funeral.
I know grief relatively well yet this grief feels different.
It is perpetual as there has been no closure. The unknown lurks with the
fateful phone call poised to happen at any given time. Will she call before the
coroner?
Then there is the confusion and shame. Why does my own
mother not want to work on the relationship and move toward healing? How could
she not want to see her grandchildren? All of it strikes me as strange and
painful. I have no answers for these questions only suppositions.
The hardest task is realizing my mother was never the mother
in my idealization. The loss didn’t start 6 year ago. Her issues have been in
place since I was conceived and all of my hoping and pretending could not make
her into something she is not. This realization has forced me into some serious
self-reflection. Do I even want to rekindle this relationship with my mother
with the knowledge that she will still be herself? Is a mother worth having if
she is not the mother I need? Again, I am not sure of the answers to these
questions.
I have spent the last year attempting to mother myself
through self-care and kindness. Drawing on my own ability to mother and utilizing
my left over energy into something I can feel as a palpable motherly presence.
This has helped some but it is not the same. There continues to be a sense of
uncompleted loss and in a way it has turned into the new normal.
For Mother’s Day this year, I will celebrate my mother
in-law, my friends and myself as mothers. I will celebrate my children for
making me a mother and I will give a node to Mother Mary for being the mother
of everything. And within the celebration there will be a sense of sadness for
all the other mothers who grieve this Mother’s Day.
