The Aftermath

The Aftermath

These posts are intended to inform, educate and hopefully help others. I have found my own sources of help that have led me to wholeness. My prayer is that other victims may find healing and wholeness as well.

Almost a year ago I wrote publically about being a sexual abuse survivor. The act of writing was cathartic yet the sharing of such private, vulnerable information was scary. I was confident it was the right thing to do yet, on a deeper level old held beliefs would sneak up and that monster called shame had me double guessing my choice to share in a public forum. I knew there would be fallout and I worked hard to maintain hope that the aftermath of my decision would ultimately be positive.

It didn’t take long for the messages to start flowing in. Women from all backgrounds extended invitations for coffee or happy hour. The stories were sickeningly the same, an uncle, father, babysitter, someone unidentified, all perpetrators of child molestation. Some stories were more graphic and others vague. The identity of the offenders didn’t matter nor did the severity of the abuse. What mattered was these women were reaching out to tell their stories, make connection and search for healing.

The healing ended up being mine. The fear that I would be scorned, rejected and seen as irredeemably broken did not come to fruition. In fact I believe I was seen as a conduit for the healing of other survivors. The experience of acknowledging my past, fleshing out the parts that had wounded me, struggling to make sense of what was left and then regaining a certain kind of wholeness is a profoundly comforting story for other survivors. My willingness to share my story was not met with shaming but rather with acceptance, empathy and sharing of a wrong inflicted on far too many children.

In the aftermath, the stories were difficult to hear and the sheer number of them nauseating but I am grateful I did not shy away telling my own story. If you are a survivor and continue to hold this heavy secret, please consider breaking your silence. I promise there are compassionate listeners and skilled therapists who can help you through the darkness. And if you need encouragement, we can always meet for happy hour or coffee.

Grief of a Mother

Grief of a Mother

I spend a lot of time mothering. I realize most mothers do. We dedicate ourselves and give not only our time and money to our children but also a large part of our souls are enveloped into their beings. When they hurt, we hurt. When they succeed, the pride can almost feel like it hurts. As mothers the emotional energy expended on our children can feel overwhelming yet so inexplicably satisfying. The paradox is strange and everyone knows it. A mother’s love is rightfully glorified and celebrated.

This year will mark the 6^th year I will celebrate Mother’s Day without my own mother. A necessary boundary has caused the estrangement and my mother’s unresolved issues have perpetuated the falling-out. As it currently stands, I have lost my mother. She is not dead. Our relationship is not dead. Yet by the looks of it there needed to be a funeral.

I know grief relatively well yet this grief feels different. It is perpetual as there has been no closure. The unknown lurks with the fateful phone call poised to happen at any given time. Will she call before the coroner?  

Then there is the confusion and shame. Why does my own mother not want to work on the relationship and move toward healing? How could she not want to see her grandchildren? All of it strikes me as strange and painful. I have no answers for these questions only suppositions.

The hardest task is realizing my mother was never the mother in my idealization. The loss didn’t start 6 year ago. Her issues have been in place since I was conceived and all of my hoping and pretending could not make her into something she is not. This realization has forced me into some serious self-reflection. Do I even want to rekindle this relationship with my mother with the knowledge that she will still be herself? Is a mother worth having if she is not the mother I need? Again, I am not sure of the answers to these questions.

I have spent the last year attempting to mother myself through self-care and kindness. Drawing on my own ability to mother and utilizing my left over energy into something I can feel as a palpable motherly presence. This has helped some but it is not the same. There continues to be a sense of uncompleted loss and in a way it has turned into the new normal.

For Mother’s Day this year, I will celebrate my mother in-law, my friends and myself as mothers. I will celebrate my children for making me a mother and I will give a node to Mother Mary for being the mother of everything. And within the celebration there will be a sense of sadness for all the other mothers who grieve this Mother’s Day.