14 Year Olds, Groups,
and Ireland
As I write this, my oldest child is celebrating her 14th
birthday with thirteen of her closest friends. Hip Hop party music is
streaming, soda’s are being sipped and abandoned with half their contents left
while screams and giggles of excitement fill the house. My daughter appears
sure of herself as do her friends who easily navigate amongst each other. I
sense no drama. No tension. No problems. But I am sure beneath the surface
there are insecurities and resentments that might even go unnoticed to those
who are feeling it. Or perhaps this is just my own projection of my experiences
with groups: delightful, loving and necessary with a shadow of intolerance of
others’ peculiarities especially in large or drawn out doses.
Next month I will be placing myself in a group to travel 100
miles by foot on a pilgrimage through Ireland. Pilgrimages are meant to be
experienced alone. One can travel together while pilgrimaging solo. I am aware
that I need intention and focus to stay in my, “own” space yet the aspect of
group travel is still there. And with this comes dread. Interestingly, I like
everyone who is going and from an outsiders perspective there would appear to
be no problems. Just like my eldest and her gaggle of buddies. Yet, I know the
shadow side of groups. It is like they say about fish and houseguests: After 3-days
they both stink.
My trepidation arises out of a combination of experience,
self-awareness and the unknown. I know pretty well how I work in groups and the
results can vary wildly. The best results have always been when I’ve displayed
my professional persona. Knowledgeable, gregarious and in control tend to net
favorable results in the work arena. My second best showing is with my mother/wife
persona. Personable, stable, fun and can keep the kids alive? Great! When these
identities are stripped from me I am often times left floundering and wondering
how I should act. It’s not pretty. Grasping for something. Should I be a clown?
A know-it-all? An introspective intellectual? A party girl? Somebody help! I
can drown in my own existence while the group I am with looks around and
wonders if anyone will throw me a life-preserver; humiliation at its peak.
So, the question is, “How do I navigate a personally
meaningful solo pilgrimage while living into the tension and paradox of a group
of travelers?” Or perhaps the real question is, “How do I live into my own
tension and paradox?”
God, I wish I were 14 again…not really.
No comments:
Post a Comment