Conversations

Conversations

I have recently been on a quest to have difficult conversations with people. Not that I really want to engage in hard discussions, in fact I would say up until lately, I would avoid these situations at all cost. Instead my MO was to brood, harbor anger and ruthlessly rant and rave regarding these relationships that had gone wrong. I could easily hide behind my self-righteousness and indignation. Blaming others and self-protective reasoning seemed easier than to confront, discuss, or apologize. In short, the cheap way out was my way of being. 

Then, this year I decided to seek healing. Not that this is something so totally new but the culmination of years of self-discovery and work had led me to a desire to be free. Free of resentments. Free of regrets. Free of anger and hatred of others and of myself. I knew on a deep level that freedom was not available for free.  I would have to work at it and do some difficult things if I wanted to net any meaningful results and move forward even minutely.

I began inviting people into conversation. Most accepted. One was silent. Two declined. It would be futile to wonder about the abstainers. It is the way it is for now and I choose to hold it lightly. Instead, I am focusing on the conversations that have occurred and they are nothing short of transformative. The healing that can manifest when apologies are given and received, when misunderstandings are cleared and when compassion is offered is nothing short of divine.

This experience has opened a new way of being for me. It has shown me how to apologize, ask for forgiveness, and accept my errors yet know that my worth is not based on my foibles. I was able to garner the strength to state my thoughts and feelings without self-defensive hostility. Learning to be forthright and avoiding the verbal pabulum that comes from my underlying desire to please everyone has changed my engagement with others.

I like to think of these conversations as a spiritual practice. Talking with someone on a vulnerable level allows for deep connection. Being strong as well as admitting weakness within these interactions manifested a humbling tension that seemed initially to break me down but has since allowed me growth that I would not have expected. Finding God in the messiness of human engagement is both difficult and delightful.

Does anyone want to have a conversation?