The Un-Crumpling Part 4

The Un-Crumpling Part 4

These posts are intended to inform, educate and hopefully help others. I have found my own sources of help that have led me to wholeness. My prayer is that other victims may find healing and wholeness as well.

I would like to say that once the un-crumpling started, my healing was swift and effortless. This was not the case. The process of recovery has taken me almost five years since that day in the parking lot across from my church. I have thoroughly analyzed by a Jungian therapist, utilized homeopathy, went to my depths during EMDR, participated in healing ceremonies, soaked in a Himalayan sound bath at a restorative spa, engaged in CBT, did some yoga therapy, attended regular spiritual direction sessions, pilgrimaged, journaled, read and talked with friends. I have been very lucky to be given the resources to take on my healing journey with such vigor. I often wonder if I have been a difficult study and have thought maybe the process of recovery for me has been abnormally long but in reality I think this is just a testament to the damage that can occur from sexual abuse.  

Sexual abuse often leaves its victims in a state of deep, relentless shame. For me it also left me feeling a sense that something was deeply wrong with me. I blamed myself for the abuse and largely took responsibility for what had happened. Sexual abuse, and I am sure abuse of any kind, does not just wound mentally, emotionally and physically, it enters the victim’s soul and leaves a dark, seemingly endless hole in one’s spiritual life. For me, I struggled to reconcile the feeling of divine love was not as a result of some damage done by my abuse. This spiritual untangling does not come easily and many days it is still a chore.

It has also taken me to years to believe that in reality no one is going to, “think badly” of me because I was abused. As I write this it seems obvious to the point of preposterous.  Sadly, this is a common way for perpetrators to deflect blame and continue to control their victims. As I have told people my story, I have had very few instances of negative reactions. I have learned that in those who respond poorly are usually reacting to situations in their own lives. Perhaps my story hits too close to home for them and they have not sorted through their own wounds. These reactions have never had anything to do with me.

It has been and continues to be a long process of healing. I can say I am un-crumpled. I can also say that it was a lie and what my abuser told me was wrong. People do not think badly of me because I was sexually abused. They might think badly of me for things I have done or not done but that is a different story.